At the time this happened I was about 5 months pregnant. When I first found out I was pregnant, my husband’s nephew punched me straight in the stomach. Everyone brushed it off as him “going through a phase.” My sister-in-law said it wasn’t a big deal and that he’d grow out of it.
Then Christmas came around and my mother-in-law called and said the phase wasn’t over yet, and since they didn’t want any accidents, it would be better if I stayed home this year. What surprised me was that my husband just… accepted that. On the 21st he started packing his bag like it was already decided. I guess my face showed something because he stopped and said, “Oh… you wanted me to stay?”
I didn’t even know what to say. I just stood there for a second and then told him no, he should go. He smiled in that awkward, relieved way and kept packing.
One of my coworkers, an older lady who lives alone, invited me to spend Christmas with her so I wouldn’t be by myself. I went, and honestly… I can’t remember the last time I felt that relaxed during the holidays. I don’t really have family of my own, so my husband’s family has been the only one I’ve had for the last 15 years, and every holiday with them feels like something I just have to survive.
My father-in-law drinks too much and goes on these long, uncomfortable rants. My mother-in-law is very fake polite but always manages to say something that makes you feel small. My sister-in-law is the golden child and still acts like she’s in high school. Every visit there’s some comment about my body, or my background, or something about how I’m “one of the good ones.”
This year there was even a comment about my baby maybe not having blue eyes, which was such a weird thing to care about that I didn’t even know how to respond.
There are also all these rules. You have to wake up early, meals are at exact times, and if you miss it you wait until the next one because it’s “disrespectful.” They make me cook food from my home country so they can stare at it, smell it, and call it “interesting” in that way that clearly means the opposite.
The worst part is my husband never really stands up to them. He just gets anxious the whole time, tries to smooth things over, tells me they don’t mean it like that, asks me not to make a scene. So every holiday I end up crying on the way home while he apologizes but nothing ever changes.
This Christmas was the first time I didn’t go, and it was… peaceful. I slept late, ate what I wanted, watched movies, talked, laughed. No tension, no comments, no walking on eggshells. Just quiet. I didn’t realize how much I needed that.
When my husband came back, he looked stressed the second he saw me in a good mood. I told him I had a nice time, and that seemed to make him even more nervous. He kept saying maybe he should have stayed with me, but then he wouldn’t have spent Christmas with his family and they would have been disappointed.
I just told him everything was fine, but I think he can tell something changed.
Honestly, I think I can tell too. Spending one holiday away made me realize how long I’ve been putting up with things I don’t actually have to put up with. My coworker lives alone and doesn’t really have family either, but she seems happier than I’ve been in years.
Since Christmas I keep thinking about that feeling. The quiet, the freedom, not being on edge all the time.
And I think my husband can feel that I’m not the same about it anymore, even though I haven’t said anything.